Little Johnny walked in one day on his daddy in the bathroom. He asked his father what that was hanging between his legs. His father replied that it was the perfect penis. The next day at school, Johnny pulled his pants down in front of his classmates.
”What’s that?” asked Jenny.
”Well,” said Johnny, ”if it was about 3 inches smaller, it would be the perfect penis.”’
A man noticed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old girl in her cart. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to have a conniption, and the mother said quietly, “Now Missy, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don’t be upset. It won’t be long.”
In the candy aisle, the little girl began to shout for treats. When mom said she couldn’t have any, she began to kick her mother and scream. The mother said softly, “There, there, Missy, don’t cry - only two more aisles to go and then we’ll be checking out.”
When they got to the checkout stand, the little brat immediately began to reach for the gum and freaked out when her mom said she couldn’t have any. The mother patiently said, “Missy, we’ll be through this checkout stand in five minutes and then you can go home and have a bottle and a nice snooze.”
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. “I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Missy,” he said.
The mother sighed and replied, “Oh, no, my little girl’s name is Francine - I’m Missy.”
A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, “I need a man, I need a man!”
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, “Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!”
What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
Their middle names
3 Stages of Sex:
1. House Sex - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house, in every room.
2. Bedroom Sex - After you’ve been married for a while and you just have sex in the bedroom.
3. Hall Sex - After you’ve been married for many years, and you just pass each other in the hall and say, “Fuck you!”
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret around a clock?
Because time will tell.
Back when Bill Clinton and Hillary got married Bill told her, “There’s one thing I want you to know. There’s a box under my bed and I don’t want you to look in it until I die.â€
Hillary agreed to this but, over the years, the curiosity got the better of her and she finally looked in it. She found three beer cans and 1.5 million dollars in cash.
When she asked Bill what the beer cans were for, he replied, “Well, those are for all the times I’ve cheated on you.”
Hillary said, “Well, that’s not bad after all these years and you being a politician and traveling and all.”
She was about to leave, but then she said, “Hey, Bill, what about the 1.5 million dollars?”
Bill replied, “That’s for all the times the box got full and I had to cash the cans in.”
Boy Monster: Did you get the big red heart I sent you for Valentine’s?
Girl Monster: Yes, I did. Thank you.
Boy Monster: Is it still beating?
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink. Suddenly, a man hollers at him, ”I screwed your mom last night!” Disturbed, the man tries to ignore him.
Again, he hears, ”Your mom was good in bed last night!” Again, he tries to ignore it.
The man is just about to speak again but the guy stops him and says, ”Dad, go home, you’re drunk!”