A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.
Boy: “Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?”
Dad: “Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights.”
Boy: “So, why do they make packs of three?”
Dad: “For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights.”
Boy: “Then why do they make packs of 12?”
Dad: “Those are for married couples — you know, January, February, March.”
Q. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
A. Phone her.
Q. Why do women fake orgasms?
A. Because they think men care.
Q. What is the definition of “making love?”
A. Something a woman does while a guy is screwing her.
Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.
Q. What the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q. How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None, let her cook in the dark.
Q. What’s the difference between pre-menstrual and B.S.E.?
A. One’s mad cow disease, the other’s an agricultural problem.
Q. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
A. Made her chain too long.
Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry her.
Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.
Q. How is a woman like a condom?
A. Both of them spend more time in your wallet that on your dick.
Q. How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A. They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.
Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?
A. None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Q. Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A. Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Q. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A. When she starts her sentence with “A man once told me….”
Q. How do you fix a woman’s watch?
A. You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
Q. Why do men fart more than women?
A. Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Q. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A. The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
Q. What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A. A woman that won’t do what she’s told.
Q. Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A. She knows she’s given her last blow job.
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%. It’s called a Wedding Cake.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me “What’s on the TV?” I said “Dust”.
There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who…
1) would treat her nicely
2) wouldn’t run away from her
3) would be good in bed.
Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn’t have any arms or legs.
“I’m here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can’t beat you, and I have no legs so I can’t run away from you.”
“Yes, but are you good in bed?”
“How do you think I rang the doorbell?”
It was Christmas Eve, and a lady hadn’t had sex in a long time, so she decided to wait for Santa. When he came down the chimney, she took off her shirt and said, “Ooh Santa, please stay.”
And he said, “Ho ho ho, guess I better go, gotta get toys to children, ya know.”
So she took off her pants and said, “No no - please stay.”
And he replied, “Ho ho ho, guess I better go, gotta get toys to children, ya know.”
So she took off everything else, and said, “Ooh, please stay.”
And he said, “Hey hey hey, guess I better stay, can’t get up the chimney with my dick this way!”
10) He is getting amazingly fast at typing with 1 hand!
9) After signing off she always has a cigarette!
After she gets off, the screen’s all fogged up!
7) During sex he screams, “a: \ enter insert!”
6) After he uses the computer, the seat is all sticky!
5) Your fax is filled with some guy’s ass!
4) The INSERT key on your keyboard is all worn out!
3) The only 3 keys that aren’t stiff are: S, E, X!
2) The keyboard is moist!
1) She comes home with a rubber+- inflatable disk drive!
A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors over the years, but none of them could help him. Finally one doctor said to him “I believe I found the reason for your stuttering”.
The man asked, “Wha.. wha.. wha..what is my pro.. pro.. problem.”
The doctor replied, “Your penis is very, very large. The weight of your penis is causing a strain on your larynx, and this results in your stuttering. The only solution to this is to perform a penis transplant.” The man was really tired of his stuttering, so he agreed to a transplant. Several days later the doctor called the man up and informed him that they have found a suitable donor. The transplant operation was successfully performed and the man could speak without any stutter.
At first he was happy, but after a while he began to miss his large penis, and how the girls used to love it. He finally went back to his doctor and said, “Doctor, I am grateful for the opportunity you have given me to speak without a stutter, but I miss my old penis. Please find the transplant donor and tell him that we have to exchange penises back.”
The doctor shook his head and replied, “That’s im.. im.. im.. impo.. impossible.”
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.
He asked her where she was going and she replied, “I’m going to Las Vegas.”
He asked her why she was going.
She told him, “I just found out that as a woman I can make $400 a night doing what I give you for free.”
He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch.
His wife said, “And just where do you think you are going?”
“I”m going too!” he replied.
“Why?” she asked.
“I want to see how you are going to live on $800 a year!”
This couple have just met in a bar, really hit it off and gone back to her place to have wild, passionate sex. After they have finished he lies back with a smug look on his face, “I guess that was just about the best sex you have ever had,” he says.
“What makes you say that?” asks the woman.
“Well, every time we did it, I couldn’t help notice how it made your toes curl,” he explains.
“Oh,” says the woman, “that was just because most men wait to take off my pantyhose first.”
Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he said.
“An ambulance just drove by.”
A few moments passed.
“Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out. “Matt’s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex.”
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. “How do you know that?” the startled father asked.
“Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,” his son replied.
One day the Sunday school teacher asked what part of the body went to heaven first.
Susie said, “Your heart, ’cause you need it to love.”
Richie said, “Your head, ’cause you need it to think.”
Little Johnny raised his hand and the teacher called on him reluctantly. Little Johnny said, “Your feet.”
Confused, the teacher asked why.
Johnny replied, “When I walked past my mom’s room last night, she had her feet in the air and was screaming, “Oh God, I’m coming, I’m coming!”