A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, “Stop making love down there!”
“What’s the matter with you?” the husband said when the sailor climbed down. ‘”We weren’t making love.”
“Sorry,” said the sailor, “From up there it looked like you were.”
Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.
The husband says to himself, “By golly he’s right! It DOES look like they’re making love down there!”
Little Johnny walked in one day on his daddy in the bathroom. He asked his father what that was hanging between his legs. His father replied that it was the perfect penis. The next day at school, Johnny pulled his pants down in front of his classmates.
”What’s that?” asked Jenny.
”Well,” said Johnny, ”if it was about 3 inches smaller, it would be the perfect penis.”’
3 Stages of Sex:
1. House Sex - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house, in every room.
2. Bedroom Sex - After you’ve been married for a while and you just have sex in the bedroom.
3. Hall Sex - After you’ve been married for many years, and you just pass each other in the hall and say, “Fuck you!”
The teacher says, “Today we are going to learn multisyllabic words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multisyllabic word?”
Little Johnny waves his hand, “Me, teacher! Oh, me, me!”
The teacher smiles and says, “All right, Johnny, what is your multisyllabic word?”
Little Johnny says, “Mas-tur-bate.”
The teacher is taken aback, but she manages to smile and says, “Wow, Johnny, that’s a mouthful.”
Little Johnny says, “No, ma’am, you’re thinking of a blowjob. I’m talking about jerking off.”
Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? Because the sound of zippers scares the sheep away.
A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were going to visit the nude beaches while they were there.
They didn’t want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they told him, “The men with really big dicks and the girls with really, really big boobs were both really, really dumb.”
When they got to the beach they split up. Later the mother saw the son and asked where his dad was.
The boy said, ”Well, the last time I saw him he was talking to this really, really, dumb blonde, and the longer they talked, the dumber he got.”
A group of students had a biology lab. As a part of this lab they were supposed to scrape some bacteria off their teeth with a toothpick and then examine it under the microscope.
But this one girl had some problems identifying her bacteria and asked the professor what they were.
“Those are sperm cells.”
A man is very ashamed of his penis because of the size. He has an extremely small penis and doesn’t want his girlfriend to dump him when she sees the size.
One night when he and his girlfriend are making out in a dark corner he decides he will show her. The man unzips his pants, whips out his small dick, and shoves it into her hand. He sits there, waiting to see her reaction.
His girlfriend says, “Thanks for offering, but you know I don’t smoke.”
Doctor Dave slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:
“Dave, don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Let it go…”
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:
“Dave, you’re a vet…”
What do you call nuts on a wall? Walnuts.
What do you call nuts on a chest? Chestnuts.
What do you call nuts on a chin? A Blow Job.