Really Funny Quick Jokes

George W. Bush is so stupid, he dyed his hair blonde to become smarter.

What is Osama bin Laden’s favorite football team?

The New York Jets!

One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help. It was President Bush. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him. He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward.

The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money. The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Bush gave the boy a Ferrari.

The third boy wanted a wheelchair, Bush said, “Why do you want one of those, son, you’re not handicapped.”The boy replied, “I will be when my dad finds out whose life I saved.”

Five presidents are on a plane: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, and George W. Bush.

George Washington says, “I will make someone happy!” and throws a dollar bill off the plane.

Then Abraham Lincoln says, “I will make five people happy!” and throws 5 one dollar bills off the plane.

Then John Adams says, “I will make 500 people happy!” and throws 500 one dollar bills off the plane.

Then Thomas Jefferson says, “I will make the whole world happy!” and throws George W. Bush off the plane.

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
Out of a catalog.

“There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you’re anxious to meet people who do.” Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)

“Things you’ll never hear a woman say: ‘My, what an attractive scrotum!’ Patricia Arquette

“And God said: “Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan.” George Burns

“Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die.” Carmen Boyle (Olympic gold medalist in luge, 1966)

“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.” Sharon Stone

“My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she’s reading.” Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

“My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee-the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.” Dan Rather (News anchorman)

“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said, ‘Thyroid problem?” Arnold Schwarzenegger

“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.” Tiger Woods

“I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I’m more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.” Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

“I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.” Axel Rose (Guns’n'Roses)

“Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.” Rev. Jesse Jackson

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” Jack Nicholson

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.” Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” Robin Williams

“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.” Roseanne

“In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women’s breasts?” Hugh Grant

“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?” Dustin Hoffman

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” Rod Stewart., aging cover band singer

Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were walking on the beach. Justin said, “Hey Britney, look at that dead birdie!”

Britney looked up at the sky and said, “Where?”

1. The Keith Richards: Smoked lungfish on a toasted English muffin
2. The Howard Stern: 1 cocktail weenie and 2 matzo balls in fermented tuna fish pita
3. The Michael Jackson: Flour-drenched pepper steak on Emmanuel Lewis bialy, with Bubbles sauce
4. The Ben Affleck: Dense slabs of yellow-flavored cheese and iceberg lettuce on supermarket white bread
5. Gwyneth Paltrow: Steamed chives and a Tic-Tac on fat-free Saltines
6. The Jim Carrey: Virginia baked ham and black forest ham, served between two slices of maple cured ham, with ham sauce
7. The Dan Quayle: Mongoloid cutlet on potatoe bread
8. The Homeless Dude: Half a Chicken McNugget and a shoe full of Wendy’s chili served between a Big Mac bun and a chicken bone
9. The Woody Allen: Egg foo “young” and kosher tongue, served on a toasted plain bagel
10. The Martha Stewart: Rosemary-marinated boar’s anus, charbroiled to perfection, on homemade nine-grain peasant waffles
11. The Barbara Walters: Sun-dried pheasant jerky and Revlon sauce on sourdough flatbread
12. The O.J. Simpson: White meat and blood sausage on a pan-seared Gucci glove
13. The Bette Midler: Wind beneath my roadkill wings, on a toasted saccharine challah
14. The Mullah Omar: Mayonnaise-based gravel salad served between two semi-decayed camel hooves
15. The Dan Rather: Sumptuous Geritol cutlets, slathered in tangy liberal mustard and wedged between two crusty slices of Alzheimer’s baguette
16. The Britney Spears: Pepsi-glazed baby tuna on statutory toast
17. The Kathie Lee Gifford: Malaysian pre-teen laborer on scallion pancake
18. The Sally Struthers: Bison tartare on a glazed donut
19. The Michael Jordan: Sliced hamlet with basketballs, baseballs, and golf balls (seasonal), on Nike bread
20. The Charleton Heston: Venison burger on white bread with Moses sauce and side of buckshot
21. The Tom Cruise: Glistening sausage, firmly wedged between hard buns
22. The Shannon Elizabeth: Beer-batter-fried American tomcat pie, stuffed in a cheap thong with garnish
23. The George Hamilton: Seared Naugahyde on toasted pumpernickel with a cocoa butter coulis
24. The John Malkovich: John Malkovich and John Malkovich on John Malkovich with John Malkovich and John Malkovich
25. The Jay Leno: Deep-fried headcheese wrapped in a heavily buttered deep dish pizza crust
26. The Richard Gere: Holier-than-thou Tofurky with rainforest lotus blossoms and harmony sauce on I-do-movies-about-gettin’-pussy bread
27. The Melanie Griffith & Antonio Banderas: Silicone injected pig lips on tobacco paella toast
28. The Calista Flockhart: Laxative-soaked cotton balls on transparently thin cucumber slices
29. The Carson Daly: Bubbalicious loaf on lip-glossed sticky buns
30. John Travolta: Grilled space lizard on a $20,000 bun
31. The Ron Jeremy: Foot-long kielbasa, comes in 1000s of buns
32. The Elizabeth Taylor: Open-faced mink filet on sponge cake, smothered in cubic zirconium béarnaise
33. The Leonardo DiCaprio: Weathered veal and puffer fish on an oil-drenched croissant
34. The Vanna White: Whipped toothpaste and vanilla-flavored lard, gently ensconced in a delicate crepe
35. The Jennifer Aniston: Friendly’s fries with peach Pitt gravy on the same tired old roll
36. The Robert Downey, Jr.: Marinated psylocibin mushrooms and methadone cheese on Spoon-cooked flatbread
37. The Pam Anderson: Fried mayonnaise tart with a silicone shell
38. The Jerry Seinfeld: Observational gefilte chutney and mullet-shaped mesh of sprouts, served in an acid-washed denim pita
39. The Jackie Chan: Peking duck beaten to pulp and thrown out window of moving truck, pan-friend soft “r’s” wrapped in $100 bills
40. The Alec Baldwin: Asshole ham, asshole cheese, asshole lettuce on an asshole piece of bread
41. The Eminem: Blanched crawdad and collard greens on queer-bash foccacia
42. The Angelina Jolie: Puckered squid in mammary sauce on rice cakes
43. The Frank Sinatra: Pureed martini olives on communion wafers, garnished with bloody Chicklets
44. The Jeff Bezos: A piece of moldy lettuce wrapped in a fancy advertisement for a delicious, juicy corn beef sandwich
45. The Wolfgang Puck: Sliced Spam and Velveeta, smothered with Miracle Whip and nestled between two freshly toasted Berry-Berry Pop-Tarts
46. The George W Bush: Coca-cured armadillo wrapped in an American flag tortilla
47. The George Clooney: Beaver on rye
48. The Kate Moss: Cottage cheese and ipecac syrup on rice paper
49. The Bea Arthur: Potted meat and mint jelly on Matzo bread
50. The J-Lo: No-fat chorizo with a bling-bling butter and ass-crack soufflé: crust - grandé: (prepared by 12 chefs)