John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends. One night, they both died in a terrible car accident.
When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could not find him anywhere. Very distraught, he ran to St. Peter and said, “St. Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with me, but I can’t find him!”
St. Peter said, “My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn’t make it to Heaven.”
This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bob one more time. St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw Bob sitting in hell with a keg on one side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other.
John looked at St. Peter skeptically and said, “Are you sure I’m in the right place?”
“My son,” St. Peter said, “looks can be deceiving. You see that keg of beer? It has a hole in it. You see that woman? She doesn’t!”
Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? Because the sound of zippers scares the sheep away.
A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were going to visit the nude beaches while they were there.
They didn’t want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they told him, “The men with really big dicks and the girls with really, really big boobs were both really, really dumb.”
When they got to the beach they split up. Later the mother saw the son and asked where his dad was.
The boy said, ”Well, the last time I saw him he was talking to this really, really, dumb blonde, and the longer they talked, the dumber he got.”
A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.
Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?
Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.
Interviewer: How did you get that hook?
Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.
Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?
Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.
Interviewer: And that put your eye out?
Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.
A women came home one day with a mirror and told her husband it was magic. Her husband told her to prove it.
She said watch, ”Mirror, mirror on the wall, make my boobs biggest of all.”
Sure enough, they grew huge.
The husband was amazed and said, “Ooh, oooh, let me try! Mirror, mirror show me more, make my dick touch the floor.”
His legs fell off.
Your mama’’s glasses are so thick that when she lookes on a map she can see people waving.
A group of students had a biology lab. As a part of this lab they were supposed to scrape some bacteria off their teeth with a toothpick and then examine it under the microscope.
But this one girl had some problems identifying her bacteria and asked the professor what they were.
“Those are sperm cells.”
Do you know why midgets don’t wear tampons?
They trip over the string.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Because he was stuck to the chicken’s foot
””My God! What happened to you?”” the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
””I got in a tiff with Riley.””
””Riley? He’’s just a wee fellow,”” the barkeep said, surprised. ””He must have had something in his hand.””
””That he did,”” Kelly said. ””A shovel it was.””
””Dear Lord. Didn”t you have anything in your hand?””
””Aye, that I did — Mrs. Riley’’s left boob.”” Kelly said. ””And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.””