Really Funny Quick Jokes

One day avant-garde violinist Malcolm Goldstein, US Ambassador to Spain Eduardo Aguirre, and television’s Tony Danza were on a jungle vacation together when they were caught by a tribal group.

Before they were about to be executed, they pleaded to the Queen of the Tribe for mercy. She said, ”Get me something good to eat. If I like it, you will be freed.” The three men looked at each other and agreed. They then went into the jungle to look for some food

Malcolm Goldstein was the first to come back. He came up to the altar and offered grapes. The Queen tasted one and immediately spat it out. She ordered her servants to shove the rest of the grapes up Malcolm Goldstein’s ass. The servants did their duty, and left Malcolm Goldstein lying on theground screaming.

Eduardo Aguirre was the next to arrive with some yummy apples. The same thing happened to him, but curiously he laughed as the apples were shoved up his ass. Malcolm Goldstein was shocked. Here he was with grapes up his ass howling in pain, but Eduardo Aguirre had several apples in his ass and he was laughing. He asked him ”What the hell are you laughing about?”

A laughing Eduardo Aguirre replied ”Tony Danza’s coming back with a watermelon.”’

Yo mama is so stupid, I told her Christmas was right around the corner - so she went looking for it.

A young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly, “Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!”

Another young, beautiful woman gets onto the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, “Chanel No. 5, $150 dollars an ounce!”

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both of the women in the eyes, turns around, bends over, farts and says, “Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!”

A preacher woke up one Sunday morning and looked outside and saw it was a beautiful day. He decided to skip church and go play golf. So he called the junior pastor at his church and told him he was sick and couldn’t give the sermon. The junior pastor told him not to worry, he would deliver the sermon.

The pastor drove about 40 miles away from town to avoid being spotted. As he was setting up his first drive on the first hole, Jesus leaned over to God in heaven and asked him, “Are You going to let him get away with this?” God told Jesus not to worry, he would handle it. Right as God said that, the preacher hit the drive of his life. The ball traveled all 450 feet to the green, bounced once, and rolled in the hole. The preacher was ecstatic. Jesus asked God,”Why would you let him do that?”
God said, “Because, who is he gonna tell?”

A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.

Boy: “Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?”

Dad: “Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights.”

Boy: “So, why do they make packs of three?”

Dad: “For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights.”

Boy: “Then why do they make packs of 12?”

Dad: “Those are for married couples — you know, January, February, March.”

There were three men in a bar. All three were sitting at the bar stool and one got up to use the bathroom. The other two men started talking. One man said, ”So what’s new in your life?”
The other responded, ”Well I just found out my son got a promotion. He used to be a janitor at the bank and now he is an executive. On top of that there’s someone special in his life. He just bought his new love a brand new Lexus.”
The other man says, ”My son also got a promotion and he has decided to settle down. He bought his new love a new house on the beach.”
The third man comes back from the bathroom. He looked kind of upset so the other two men asked what’s eating him. He responded, ”I just found out that my son is gay. The good part is his lover bought him a brand new Lexus and a new house on the beach.”

After dying a grisly death in an Afghan cave, Osama made his way to the pearly gates.

There, he was greeted by George Washington.

“How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!” yelled Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry came up from behind. “You wanted to end America’s liberty, so they gave you death!” Henry punched Osama in the nose.

James Madison came next, and said, “This is why I allowed the government provide for the common defense!” He took a sledge hammer and whacked Osama’s knees.

Osama was subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe, and 65 other people who had the same love for liberty and America. As he writhed on the ground, Thomas Jefferson hurled him back toward the gate where he was to be judged.

As Osama awaited his journey to his final very hot destination, he screamed, “This is not what I was promised!”

An angel replied, “I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?”

Q. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
A. Phone her.

Q. Why do women fake orgasms?
A. Because they think men care.

Q. What is the definition of “making love?”
A. Something a woman does while a guy is screwing her.

Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.

Q. What the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None, let her cook in the dark.

Q. What’s the difference between pre-menstrual and B.S.E.?
A. One’s mad cow disease, the other’s an agricultural problem.

Q. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
A. Made her chain too long.

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry her.

Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.

Q. How is a woman like a condom?
A. Both of them spend more time in your wallet that on your dick.

Q. How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A. They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.

Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?
A. None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Q. Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A. Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Q. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A. When she starts her sentence with “A man once told me….”

Q. How do you fix a woman’s watch?
A. You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.

Q. Why do men fart more than women?
A. Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

Q. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A. The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.

Q. What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A. A woman that won’t do what she’s told.

Q. Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A. She knows she’s given her last blow job.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%. It’s called a Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me “What’s on the TV?” I said “Dust”.

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who…
1) would treat her nicely
2) wouldn’t run away from her
3) would be good in bed.

Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn’t have any arms or legs.

“I’m here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can’t beat you, and I have no legs so I can’t run away from you.”

“Yes, but are you good in bed?”

“How do you think I rang the doorbell?”

A manager at a General Store is teaching a young, newly hired boy how to sell people more than they really want. Suddenly, a man walks in asking for a bag of lawn seed. The manager walks up to him and says, “Of course. But you will be wanting a lawn mower, too, right?”

The man asks, “Why would I be?”

The manager replies, “Because when the lawn seed grows, you’ll need something to cut the grass with.”

Surprisingly, the man buys a lawn mower. Then another man walks in and asks for a box of Tampax. The manager nudges the newly hired boy. The boy walks up to the man and says, “Right away, Sir. But, of course, you will be wanting a lawn mower with that, right?”

The shocked man asks, “Why?!”

The young man then replies, “Well, your weekend’s screwed, so you might as well mow the lawn.”