Really Funny Quick Jokes

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.

During the tour, some of the children needed to go to the toilet, so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men’s toilet, one of the boys came out and told her that he couldn’t reach the urinal. Having no choice, the teacher went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.

As she lifted one up in this manner, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child.
“I guess you must be in the fifth,” she said.

“No ma’am,” he replied, “I’m in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. but thanks for the lift anyhow.”

How do you make 100 old ladies yell, “FUCK!” at the same time?

Have another one of them yell, “BINGO!”

Why did the blonde have lipstick all over her steering wheel?

She was trying to blow her horn.

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.

“Hey, lady”, yells Larry, “Throw me the cat!”

“No,” she cries, “It’s too far!”

“I play football, I can catch him”

The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to Larry, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street.

Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers.

Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.

The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, “Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”

The doctor smiled and said, “Have you tried to give him Viagra?”

The lady frowned. “Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.

“Well,” the doctor continued, “Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.”

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor’s office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

“How did it go?” the doctor asked.

“Terrible, doctor, terrible.”

“Did it not work?”

“Yes,” the old lady said, “It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.”

“Then what is the problem, ma’am?”

“Well,” she said. “I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.”

A fellow bought a new Corvette and was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

“There ain’t no way they can catch a Corvette,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 130 and finally 150 with the light still behind him. “What the hell am I doing?” he finally thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. “I’ve had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don’t particularly feel like doing more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

“Last week my wife ran off with a cop,” the man said, “and I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”

“Off you go,” said the officer.

A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof, and he can’t figure out how to get it down safely. Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat, and a gun. He hands the man the gun.

“Okay, here’s what we do. I’m going to go up onto your roof, and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he’s incapacitated.”

“Great,” says the man. “But what’s the gun for?”

“In case I fall down instead of the gorilla — shoot the dog.”

1. Say, “Damn, officer, you must have been going fast to keep up with me!”
2. When he approaches you, stare at his gut and say, “Hmmm. I thought cops had to be physically fit.”
3. Sway and ask if his bulletproof vest protects him from projectile vomiting.
4. Lie on the ground and ask him to draw your outline in chalk.
5. Throw his nightstick and tell the police dog to fetch it.
6. Ask him if you can use his pepper spray to spice up your pizza.
7. Tell him you wanted to be a cop, but decided to graduate high school instead.
8. When he asks you to walk the line, “Riverdance” instead.
9. Instead of pleading the 5th amendment, plead the 13th or 16th.
10. When he asks for your license, say, “Oh sure, officer, can you hold me beer for a sec?”

“There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you’re anxious to meet people who do.” Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)

“Things you’ll never hear a woman say: ‘My, what an attractive scrotum!’ Patricia Arquette

“And God said: “Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan.” George Burns

“Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die.” Carmen Boyle (Olympic gold medalist in luge, 1966)

“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.” Sharon Stone

“My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she’s reading.” Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

“My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee-the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.” Dan Rather (News anchorman)

“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said, ‘Thyroid problem?” Arnold Schwarzenegger

“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.” Tiger Woods

“I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I’m more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.” Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

“I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.” Axel Rose (Guns’n'Roses)

“Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.” Rev. Jesse Jackson

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” Jack Nicholson

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.” Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” Robin Williams

“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.” Roseanne

“In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women’s breasts?” Hugh Grant

“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?” Dustin Hoffman

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” Rod Stewart., aging cover band singer

“Bartender, gimme ‘nother drink, says a very drunk man.

“Sorry sir,” replies the bartender. “I have to cut you off.”

“Just gimme another drink.”

“O.K. I”ll make a deal with you. I”ll give you another drink and call you a cab. When the cab comes, regardless of whether you”re done or not you have to go.”

“Thass a good deal,” the drunk says. He gets his drink and immediately pukes all over his own shirt. “Oh shit, what am I gonna do now? My wife’s gonna kill me.”

“Relax,” the bartender says, “give me a five-dollar bill.” The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy’’s shirt pocket. “When you get home, tell your wife you were in the bar and some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned.”

“Thass a great idea!”

When the drunk gets home his wife answers the door. “WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? LOOK AT YOUR SHIRT! WHAT HAPPENED?”

He tried to put on his most sober voice and said, “Relaaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me five bucks to have my shirt cleaned.”

The drunk’s wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, “THERE’S TEN BUCKS HERE!”

“Oh yeah, he sh*t in my pants, too.”