Three men all die on Christmas Day, and arrive at the pearly gates. Peter greets them and tells them that they are all evil men who SHOULD go to hell - but because it’s Christmas, he’ll let them into heaven if they have something representing the holiday with them.
One of the guys has a Christmas ornament, and gets let in. Another guy has pine needles on his shirt, and gets let in. The third guy pulls out a pair of panties.
“How do those represent Christmas?” asks Peter.
“These are Carol’s.”
A ventriloquist was making fun of rednecks with his dummy at a bar. Then an angry redneck stood up, rolled up his sleeves ,and yelled, “I resent that!”
The ventriloquist started apologizing to the redreck.
The redneck looked at him and said, ” You stay outta this, I”m talking to the guy on your lap!!!!
1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and let your passenger order.
2. Ask the price of almost everything on the menu and then order something that you didn’t ask the price for.
3. Tell the employee that your window is broken. Order and then pay with your door open. When the food comes, roll down the window and snatch your order from their hands.
4. Go to McDonald’s and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.
5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels.
6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you’re in.
7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window-shopping and drive on.
8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
9. Ask the cashier how they fit into that little box.
10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
11. Demand to speak to the manager. When they come on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said, “May I take your order?”
12. When asked if they can take your order say, “Why, can I take yours?”
13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.
14. Pretend your car has broken down. Ask for assistance moving it. When they come out, drive away.
15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That’s it.
17. Don’t order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag with all the trash from your car in it.
19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don’t break your stare.
20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.
* JESUS is the Lord’s shepherd. ELVIS dated Cybill Shepherd.
* JESUS was a carpenter. ELVIS’ favorite high school class was wood shop.
* JESUS was part of the Trinity. ELVIS’ very first band was a trio.
* JESUS’ entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members. ELVIS’ entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.
* JESUS is a Capricorn. (December 25) ELVIS is a Capricorn. (January 
* JESUS was the lamb of God. ELVIS had mutton chop sideburns.
* JESUS’ Father is everywhere. ELVIS’ father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.
* JESUS said, “If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink.” (John 7:37) ELVIS said, “Drinks on me!” (Jailhouse Rock, MGM:1957)
* JESUS fasted for 40 days and nights. ELVIS had irregular eating habits. (eg: 5 banana splits for breakfast)
* JESUS said: “Man shall not live by bread alone.” ELVIS liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.
* “[JESUS’] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow.” (Matthew 28:3)Â ELVIS wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts.
* JESUS said: “Love thy neighbor.” (Matthew 22:39) ELVIS said: “Don’t be cruel.” (RCA 1956)
* JESUS walked on water. (Matthew 14:25) ELVIS surfed on water. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount:1965)
* JESUS H. CHRIST has 12 letters. ELVIS PRESLEY has 12 letters.
* JESUS had his famous Resurrection. ELVIS had the famous 1968 “comeback” TV special.
* JESUS lived in a state of grace, in a Near Eastern land. ELVIS lived in Graceland, in a nearly eastern state.
A man is very ashamed of his penis because of the size. He has an extremely small penis and doesn’t want his girlfriend to dump him when she sees the size.
One night when he and his girlfriend are making out in a dark corner he decides he will show her. The man unzips his pants, whips out his small dick, and shoves it into her hand. He sits there, waiting to see her reaction.
His girlfriend says, “Thanks for offering, but you know I don’t smoke.”
Dad: Son, what is the difference a penis and a loaf of bread?
Son: I don’t know.
Dad: Then remind me to never send you to the store for a loaf of bread.
Doctor Dave slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:
“Dave, don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Let it go…”
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:
“Dave, you’re a vet…”
What do you call nuts on a wall? Walnuts.
What do you call nuts on a chest? Chestnuts.
What do you call nuts on a chin? A Blow Job.
A young punk gets on a bus and sits down in directly across from an old man.
The young punk has spiked green, purple and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His entire face and body are covered with piercings and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers.
The old man stares at the young punk as the bus travels across the city.
Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, “What are you looking at, old man! Didn’t you do anything wild when you were young?”
Without missing a beat, the old man replies, “Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot… I thought you might be my son.”
What do Microsoft and a halter top have in common?
Both offer very little support!